We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
