i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
