Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
