he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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