happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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