omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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