My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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