Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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