Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
