worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
