I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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