Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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