a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
