Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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