Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
