Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
