just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
