I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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