Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
