Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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