Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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