I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
