weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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