I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
