every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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