i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
