Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
