just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
