Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
