I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
this will be a night to untag.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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