Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
