No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
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There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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