People in love make me want to vomit
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
