my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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