Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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