They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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