I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
