i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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