That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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