Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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