i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
