Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
