How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
