ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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