My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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