the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
