the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
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You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
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Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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