i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
high people should be assigned attendants
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
