I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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