She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
