Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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