I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
