So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
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yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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