would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
