I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
