it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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