Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
