He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
