then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
