You really coming over, don't trick.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
