I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
